A Gift On Valentine's Day
by Devour
Summary: House receives what appears to be an anonymous gift on Valentine's Day, and is immediately determined to uncover the culprit behind the distasteful gesture.
1. Chapter I

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing and nobody.

**Author's note:** Just a little fic that I've been planning recently. One chapter will be written per week, with the last one posted on Valentine's Day.

* * *

The box was pink. 

Pink and heart shaped.

Pink and heart shaped with a big red bow.

It stank of the stereotypical Valentine's Day gift.

Before he even entered the room, House wrinkled his nose, as if he could smell the stench of Saint Valentine in his office.

Upon opening the door, his eyes instantly alighted on the source of the smell.

There it sat, reflecting the rays of sunlight that streamed through the window. Its rosy glow was prominent amongst the plain white files and papers that were strewn on the desk.

House shuddered.

He considered calling a nurse - or even a patient, anyone would do - to remove it, but as it was still morning and this area of the hospital had only just woken up, the corridors were empty.

He then considered leaving and coming back later, but he could see his coffee mug tucked under his computer screen, and he needed his coffee to deal with his team at such an early stage of the day.

So there was nothing for it but to steel himself and limp into the room.

House approached his desk cautiously, pausing about a few feet away. Raising his cane, he prodded the box as if it were toxic. He glanced around the room warily, as if expecting a trap to spring up at him.

Nothing happened.

Slowly, he reached for the object before him. Its surface was cool to touch, and the glossy wrapping felt smooth underneath his fingers.

House twisted the box in his hands, taking note of the details.

It was pink, which meant that it was given to him by someone who didn't know him well or someone who purposely wanted to irritate him.

It had a large red ribbon tied on top, which meant that the sender was someone with extremely poor taste.

It contained some fairly expensive looking chocolates, which meant that he had received it from someone who had enough money to afford uselessly extravagant gifts.

It did not come with a note, which told him that the giver didn't want their identity to be discovered.

Well, that didn't help much: too many of his associates at the hospital satisfied all four criteria.

In his experience, any doctor at the Princeton Plainsborough Teaching Hospital who knew him well enough to be familiar with his dislike of pink also possessed the desire to annoy him as much as was in their power.

Moreover, he couldn't think of many who had good taste, who didn't have too much money, or who wouldn't want to be caught sending presents to the most notoriously unsociable doctor at the hospital.

But it had also appeared in his office sometime this morning. He inclined his head in thought. Now _that_ cut the list of suspects down by a sizeable chunk.

Gripping the detested object in one hand and his cane in the other, House limped out the door. A furrowed brow indicated that his piqued curiosity would not let this mystery go unsolved.


	2. Chapter II

**Author's note:** A few days late - I'm sorry! On the bright side, this means that you've got less time to wait till the next one comes out, 'cause I promise I'll be punctual for the next chapter (which couldn't possibly be harder to write than this one was).

* * *

House threw the box onto the table, taking relish in the resounding _slam _that echoed through the room. 

With a start, Cameron looked up from the blood cells she was examining under the microscope. She glanced down at the object that had just been unceremoniously dumped onto her workspace, before flicking her eyes back to the doctor before her, clearly confused.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to let Valentine's Day pass without some sort of pathetic gesture. You can own up now."

The expression on Cameron's face remained one of perplexity.

"Own up to... what?"

"To spiking my breakfast with GHB in an attempt to get me to sleep with you."

"I-"

"To these." House rolled his eyes, waving towards the chocolates beside them.

Cameron blinked in surprise at the sudden change in focus.

"Well? Are you suffering from short term memory loss or did you put these in my office this morning?"

There was another pause as Cameron glanced back at the large pink box, before tilting her chin defiantly to meet House's piercing gaze with one of her own. "And what if I did?"

"I'd fire you."

She flinched, taken aback by the suddenly harsh response.

"Really?"

House sighed at the naivety in her countenance. "No. It just sounded impressive."

"Well, in any case, it wasn't me."

Turning away, Cameron resumed her original scrutiny of the blood cells. Unphased, House raised his cane and began twirling it over his fingers.

"You _can_ own up, you know. I really won't fire you. Maybe just laugh a little."

Unable to ignore the man before her, Cameron spun around, crossing her arms.

"What makes you so sure that it was me?"

"No one else I know would be so disgustingly sentimental."

She resisted cringing once again, but House seemed to sense that he was making headway. And so he ploughed on.

"Come on. Everyone knows that you like me."

Cameron pursed her lips, keeping resolutely silent.

"What if I asked really nicely... would you admit to it then?"

Once again, there was no response. The room was still as Cameron remained immobile in her glare.

Bringing his cane back to earth, House limped towards her. Stopping mere inches away from her, he gazed into her eyes beseechingly, arranging his features into an appropriately imploring expression.

"Please?"

She kept her eyes fixed on his, holding his gaze with admirable resolve, given the sudden increase in her pulse rate.

"It wasn't me."

House leaned closer, until his lips were almost brushing against her ear.

"How about now?"

His voice was but a breath against her face. She could feel it tickling the few strands of loose hair that were tucked behind her ear, and she swallowed slightly.

"I... I didn't do it."

House pulled away abruptly.

"Fine. Have it your way." He swept the box off the table and turned to leave. "Come and find me once you've finished the blood tests."

With that, he limped out the door, leaving a slightly dazed Cameron in the room behind him.


	3. Chapter III

**Author's Note:** I swear this fic gets harder to write by the chapter. That doesn't bode well for me... oh well.

* * *

The door to the office of the hospital administrator was thrown open with a dull _thud_.

"Cuddy!"

The woman being addressed in this aggressive manner appeared unfazed, continuing with her paperwork without directing a second glance towards the source of the disturbance.

"Must you always be so dramatic?"

House limped towards her desk and waved the box in front of her face. There was a curious rattling sound as the chocolates inside scraped against the crinkly plastic wrapping within.

This was more than enough to catch Cuddy's attention. She placed her pen down, smirking.

"Wow, House, that's so thoughtful of you. What have I done to deserve this - or should I be asking, what have _you_ done to inspire such a guilty conscience?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What then, getting into the Valentine's Day spirit? Next you'll be asking me to help you paint your cane pink or something equally festive."

House repressed a wince at the thought of such a horrendous action, instead settling on glaring at the woman before him. "That's not the response I was looking for either."

"Well what else did you expect, waltzing into my office with an object that looks so grossly out of place in your hand? 'They go with your eyes?'"

"Hmm." House stroked his chin, as if in thought. "How about something along the lines of: 'I see you got my appallingly corny present'?"

It took a few seconds before comprehension began to dawn on Cuddy's face.

"You think _I_ gave you those?"

House let out a theatrical sigh. "I know you want me, but could you try to tone down how you show it?" He dropped his voice to a stage whisper. "People might talk, and you know how jealous Wilson gets."

Lips twitched as a reluctant smile threatened to spread across Cuddy's lips. She picked up her pen and resumed her paperwork.

"Well, you'd better rack your brains for some other secret admirer, because I didn't send them."

"Damn, and I was so sure this was going to lead to some steamy scene involving my ripping open your blouse and-"

"You need to spend a little less time watching those soaps of yours."

"And _you_ need to wear a blouse with fewer buttons. Fair trade?" The retort was quick to jump onto House's lips. He found himself faced with a pair of stony eyes that glared daggers into his. "Good point, I guess it was a bit unfair to me. How about we go with no blouse at all instead?"

Cuddy sighed, gesturing towards the large stack of paper on her desk. "In case you haven't realised, I'm trying to _work_ here. Perhaps you should follow my example and go do something productive too?"

"I suppose that's a 'no', then. Your loss." House turned and limped towards the door, stopping to brandish the box once more in Cuddy's direction. "I'm off to find out who the moron behind this was. Page me if you change your mind."

Cuddy was left to address an empty room and a door that creaked as it swung shut.

"I _said_ something _productive_!"


	4. Chapter IV

**Author's note:** Hmm... the mystery continues to unfold. This one was fun to write, hopefully it's just as good to read! Thanks to my reviewers so far too.

* * *

House poked his head around the door of Exam Room Two. Two faces swung around to meet his searching blue gaze.

"Doctor Chase. We need to talk."

Chase gestured towards the woman who was seated on the bench with her sleeve rolled up. "Bit busy right now."

"Fine, have it your way." House entered the room, perching himself next to the astonished patient. Chase rolled his eyes before continuing with his examination of her wrist.

House pulled out the box and thrust it in front of the other doctor's face.

"I'm flattered that I've inspired you to come out, but no thanks."

The effect of this calculated statement was exactly as intended: Chase dropped the arm he was holding and looked up to glare at House. When the response was nothing but an innocent stare in return, he sighed. He glanced towards his patient, who looked not a little bit alarmed, and forced a smile.

"Excuse me." He followed a smirking House out of the room.

Once they were outside, Chase surveyed the hallway to make sure that it was empty before turning to face House.

"What do you want?"

"I think the question is, what do _you_ want?"

House was faced with a blank expression that forced him to elaborate.

"You wasted your money; I'm not going to give you a raise just because you gave me chocolates. It's an 'A' for effort though."

A look of surprise was plastered all over Chase's face as he stared at the box of chocolates before him, with the slight frown that creased his forehead being complemented by a delicately arched eyebrow.

House watched this response closely.

"Okay, so you weren't trying to bribe me into giving you a bigger pay cheque. Well, then we're back to our original diagnosis." Here, House pulled a face and assumed a mocking tone. "That you're deeply in love with me and just had to show it-"

Chase's indignation snapped him out of his previous reverie. "What? I-"

"-by giving me these." House interrupted him, raising the box between them. "I _had_ discounted it before since you're usually too busy drooling over Cameron to give me a second glance, but-"

"I didn't give them to you!" Chase's voice was loud as he cut across House's rambling spiel. A bypassing nurse stared curiously at the pair of bickering doctors.

"It's okay, Doctor Chase and I are simply having a nice friendly chat about his sexual preferences. You can come and join us if you like." Behind him, Chase began to protest, but the nurse had snickered in amusement and continued on her way.

House looked back towards Chase and smirked. "You know, I find that the volume at which the denial is pronounced is often inversely proportional to one's guiltiness of performing the crime."

Chase opened his mouth to retort, but reconsidered and settled on shaking his head in vexation.

"Look, _you_ might have nothing better to do than attack me with false accusations, but _I_ have a patient to see. Why don't you go bother someone else who can afford to waste the time?" He turned on his heel and re-entered the room behind him.

House frowned. He hadn't expected Chase to react so calmly - unless, of course, he wasn't the culprit either. Thumping his cane against the floor in frustration, he departed from the Clinic.


	5. Chapter V

**Author's note: **A week from Valentine's Day, and we're almost at the end. Let me just say, after reading this chapter... it's not what you think. Heh. Anyhow, enjoy!

* * *

"The MRI was clean."

House found himself presented with a series of scans that were neatly bundled together in a large yellow envelope. He frowned. "Nothing?"

"Nothing." Foreman's response was accompanied with a shake of the head.

"Okay then."

Jerking his head to indicate that the other doctor should follow him, House began limping towards the elevator.

The two men walked the next few metres in silence as they fell into step with each other. Once they had arrived at their destination and the _up_ button had been unceremoniously pushed by the end of a cane, Foreman turned to face House. "So... what now?"

"We wait."

Foreman raised an eyebrow as he glanced at his boss. "Wait for what?"

"More symptoms."

The sigh that escaped Foreman's lips was lost amidst the grating noise of the opening elevator doors. Both doctors stepped inside and the doors closed once more.

"Then why do you need me here?"

There was a pause as House considered his answer. Almost reluctantly, he pulled the box out of his bag and brandished it between them. "Recognise this?"

Creased brows indicated confusion as Foreman took the box into his hands and examined it.

"No. Should I?"

"Damn."

"What?"

"Didn't think it was you, but it was worth a shot."

"What do you... wait, someone gave these to you?"

House hesitated, but his silence and the apparently uneasy response gave Foreman the answer he needed. He laughed.

"Who?"

House's expression was one of distaste. "Well if I knew, I wouldn't be here, would I?"

Foreman turned the box over in his hands.

"It looks like something-"

"-Cameron would do, I know. Not her."

"Cuddy?"

"Asked her too. No luck. Not Chase either."

"You considered _Chase_?" Foreman stared at House with a mixed expression of incredulity and amusement. "This is really getting to you, isn't it?"

The elevator doors opened, saving House from the trouble of formulating a response. He limped into the corridor, determined to get away from Foreman, but the other doctor easily kept pace.

Unfortunately for House, he didn't let up either.

"Seemingly impossible medical cases you can handle, but this one little pink box of chocolates has got you stumped."

House shot a glare at Foreman in irritation. "I'm not _stumped_."

"Sure you're not. But I'd put money on the fact that you'll be needing a refill of Vicodin all the same."

They had reached the door of House's office. He turned to face Foreman with a sharp gaze, and when he spoke, it was with the air of stating the obvious.

"I'm in pain."

"Being unable to solve a puzzle does _not_ mean you're in pain."

"No, but this does." House tapped his leg with the cane, before pushing the door open and entering his office.

Foreman shook his head and, unable to resist, followed his boss inside.

"Maybe you just have a secret admirer who's attracted by your dashing good looks, your charming persona, your-"

"If you're not going to say anything useful, then go away." House flipped through a file, assuming an expression of disinterest.

"Fine, ignore me." There was the sound of receding footsteps as the door eased shut. "But ignoring _it_ isn't going to help you figure this out, you know!"

Unfortunately for House, the glass pane that separated his office from the hallway was thin enough to enable this parting shot to travel to his ears. He growled and, throwing the file to the ground, slammed his fist against the papers on his desk.


	6. Chapter VI

**Author's note:** Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Last chapter is here, right on schedule. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so much so that I think it's over twice as long as the others. Heh. It's a bit of an open ending - feel free to speculate! - but I hope you like it all the same. And my thanks go out to all the readers and reviewers who have stuck with me for this long!

* * *

"Someone gave _you_ a present for Valentine's Day?"

House looked up from the seat he had just settled in and scowled. "Give a man time to eat before you start pestering him with stupid questions, will you?"

Sighing, Wilson pushed his plate of chips across the table. "Well?"

House grabbed a chip and popped it into his mouth, taking his time as he chewed in exaggerated relish. From the other side of the table, Wilson watched with an air of impatience.

"Who told you?"

"Foreman." The oncologist gestured vaguely towards the door. "Mentioned something about you receiving an anonymous gift that was driving you crazy. So what was it? A bouquet of roses? Your very own teddy bear?"

A glare was cast in Wilson's direction. "Chocolates. One of those ridiculously extravagant boxes that you see plastered on those billboards that take advantage of all the idiots who celebrate this stupid excuse for a-"

House's spiel was cut short when he realised that Wilson's features had dropped from their previously amused smirk.

"What?"

"What colour was it?"

"The box? The most nauseating shade of pink I've ever seen. Why?"

Ignoring the question, Wilson paused with the air of a man trying to solve a particularly difficult crossword puzzle. "With a red bow?"

House narrowed his eyes. "Yes..."

"Oh. Well then. They're mine." Wilson rubbed the back of his neck, as if in embarrassment.

"_You're_ the one who decided to send me an anonymous Valentine's Day gift?"

"Yes."

House stopped abruptly, taken aback at the prompt admission. "Seriously?"

"No."

"So... they're not yours."

"They are. I just didn't give you an anonymous Valentine's Day gift."

"Well in that case, you seem to have left out the card that would make it a _signed_ Valentine's Day gift."

"What makes you think that it was intended for you?"

"Hmm, let me think about that. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that they were on _my_ desk in _my_ office, could it?"

"I must've left them behind when I dropped by this morning to deliver some patient files." Wilson placed his sandwich on the table as he brushed some crumbs off his lap, favouring House with a casual glance. "You know, the fact that you're so willing to assume that I've given you a Valentine's Day gift says something about you."

House plucked another chip from Wilson's plate. "Actually, I think the fact that it's such a plausible explanation says more about _you_ than me."

Wilson rolled his eyes and picked up his lunch once more, choosing not to continue with this line of argument.

"So who are they for then? Cameron?"

A frown creased Wilson's brow as he pondered the question. "Why would I give chocolates to Cameron?"

"Because she's one of the few people left on the list of 'hot female staff members at the hospital that Jimmy Wilson hasn't slept with'."

A raised eyebrow prompted House to elaborate.

"The new accountant is allergic to dairy products, so you wouldn't be giving her chocolates. That nurse in Cardiology has been away sick for the past week, so if they were for her then you wouldn't have brought them to work. And you know that Cuddy would do _me _before she'd do _you_, so they can't be for her either. That just leaves Cameron and-" House scrunched up his face as he searched his memory for the last member of the group "-the blonde chick who works behind the cafeteria counter on Thursday's. Mary something."

Wilson, who had listened to this ramble with no small amount of exasperation, blinked in surprise. "You know her name?"

House shrugged. "Her nametag is usually conveniently fastened within viewing distance of her cleavage."

"Right. Well, wrong again." Wilson snatched his plate of chips back from across the table. "What makes you think that my intention was to give it to someone at all?"

"Surely you're not pathetic enough to buy yourself a Valentine's Day gift? Oh, wait, you would be - but you wouldn't have picked a box of chocolates, you'd have hired yourself a-"

"They were in my mailbox this morning." Wilson shook his head, once again cutting across his friend's speech.

House tapped his fingers against the tabletop thoughtfully as he considered this statement. "I didn't know you were sleeping with someone else at the hospital. Should I be crossing someone else off my list?"

"House." The doctor being addressed was favoured with a disapproving look. "I'm not."

"Then who gave them to you? A patient?" House's eyes widened in realisation. "You're doing another patient!"

"I'm not _doing_ anyone!" In his alarm, Wilson's voice seemed to rise by several decibels, causing a young couple nearby to look up with interest. Lowering his voice, he turned to snap at House. "Patients don't have access to my personal mailbox here at the hospital."

"Hmm. So it had to be another staff member." House smirked. "You realise I'm not going to shut up until you tell me who sent them."

"I have no idea who sent them."

"Oh, no. You're not getting off the hook that easily." House leaned across the table. "I know you've got a disgustingly pink Valentine's Day card to go with your disgustingly pink Valentine's Day gift."

"No, I don't." Remarkably unfazed, Wilson polished off the last of his chips and got up to leave. "Can I go now, or would you like to interrogate me some more?"

"Good idea, I'll come with you. I bet that card is somewhere in your office."

Wilson sighed as House, too, pushed off his chair and limped towards the cafeteria doors.

"Why is it so easy for you to believe that you can be the recipient of an anonymous gift, but so hard for you to believe the same of me?"

"Because anyone stupid enough to give you a gift on Valentine's Day would have signed it in the hopes of getting something in return, if you know what I mean."

Wilson snorted as they approached the elevators. "Obviously not. The box of chocolates on your desk is evidence to the contrary."

"There aren't any chocolates on my desk."

"In your bag, in your pocket, in your shoe, whatever."

"How about 'in my stomach'?"

Wilson looked scandalised. "_You_ ate _my_ chocolates? Are you ever going to stop stealing my food?"

"Well technically, I didn't know they were yours when I was eating them."

"Huh. I suppose you weren't aware that those chips you ate for lunch belonged to me either."

"Stop trying to change the subject." Knowing that he was being hypocritical but equally aware that his companion wouldn't pick up on it, House continued. "The point is, who the hell would ever give you an anonymous Valentine's Day gift?"

Wilson paused. "I have no idea. But when you figure it out, let me know." And with that, he turned and bolted up the stairs behind them, leaving House standing beside the elevator with a slightly bemused expression.

Had someone really anonymously given Wilson those chocolates? House mentally ran through the list of people he had confronted when he had believed that the chocolates were for _him_. Cameron - it was worth a shot. Cuddy - maybe. Chase - unlikely, but no harm in asking. Foreman - well, anything's possible.

He'd spotted Cameron in the lunch line as they were leaving. Ignoring the doors that had just rattled open before him, House turned and retraced his steps back to the cafeteria.


End file.
